I couldn't help but notice the streets are starting to fill up with lots of very overweight people. This is not only a bad thing health wise for these individuals but it also makes walking along the narrow city pavements very awkward.
Now there's usually a good reason why people get fat. Actually there's only two medically proven reasons why people get fat;
1. Eating too much shite.
2. Lack of exercise/sex.
And yes certain individuals put on fat easier than others but this is more likely because they like to eat cakes and sit on facebook all day rather than it have anything to do with genetics, hormones or metabolic rates. In short fat people are liars. So in an attempt to save the world from sitting on it's own face I have compiled a list on how to stay healthy and/or shed those extra pounds.
1. Don't eat cakes Cakes are fine on special occasions but lunch time isn't a special occasion.
2. Do eat healthily. Replacing a double cheeseburger with a BLT isn't eating healthy. Try a salad even if it does make you look a little bit gay.
3. Have lots of sex. Sex is apparently the best form of exercise so get pumping. If you don't have a partner why not try a blow up doll or rohypnol?
4. Try walking instead of driving. See those long things below your penis/vagina? They actually work quite well in picking up a momentum and taking you places. WARNING legs should not be used under the influence of alcohol.
5. Avoid GREGGS at all costs. The temptation of 20 pies for £2 is too much for even the most athletic of us to resist.
6. Go Jogging. Team sports are for homos so why not engage in some alone time while looking sophisticated and interesting. Everybody knows only rich people jog so this is also a prime way of falsely securing a shag.
7. Don't get comfortable when you finally find "the one". So your best friend comes home one day and says she's finally found "the one". They spend a couple of years together, move in together, get a dog and then BOOM! She puts on 20 stone and stops shaving her legs.
8. Don't binge drink.Binge drinking is fun but it makes you fat, and remember fat people are liars. So why not try having just the occasional drink instead. Or if you simply must binge drink, why not replace your chosen drink with healthier drink option? Try a Bloody Mary which also has one of your 5a day portions of veg, two if you include a celery stick!
9. Don't use being poor as an excuse. Just because you're leaching off the government it doesn't mean that you have to spend all of our money on Wotsits and Pepsi max. Healthy food is just as cheap as junk food if you can actually be bothered to cook it.
10. Throw TVs out the window. TVs are pretty much single handed to blame for fat people, well that and cakes.
Written by Anonymous (A Thursday Thought regular)
3 comments:
i like it, you tell those fatties!!!
At the request of Senor Barrack I throw my tuppence into the debate:
The innocence of youth shines through when I read that one of the medical reasons for being a podger was lack of sex.
when you become middle aged (as I am) you realise that sex is always preceded by lovely fattening alcohol (to blur the vision) and there is usually a nice calorific meal involved (for energy)
The net result is that we consume 2000 calories in preparation, and burn 150 calories doing 'it'
dw
room architects said...
"The net result is that we consume 2000 calories in preparation, and burn 150 calories doing 'it'"
Man you go the whole 20 seconds!
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