THURSDAY THOUGHTS - I AIN'T NO GAY FISH

The ocean has always scared me a little bit.

Films depicting massive squids tearing down pirate ships and the infamous Jaws series have embedded a permanent grain of apprehension in my mind no matter how cold, shallow or safe the sea might seem. In order to try and get over this lame obsession I decided to take up two sports which I have always had a keen interest in, surfing and diving.

Probably not the wisest choice when I discovered that two of these past times were, not surprisingly, two of the main targets of shark attacks – be it either provoked or unprovoked. The main reason for this being that divers and surfers understandably explore the ocean more and therefore put themselves in the domain of sea predators. You can't really blame them either, if a giant cheeseburger walked in to my kitchen I would probably eat it. It's the same for sharks, we're just floating burgers to them.

It is, however, heavily argued that unprovoked shark attacks are very rare and the usual criminal for the mass majority of these apparently rare attacks is usually that of the Great White. You may or may not have seen a picture in the news this week of a 3 meter infant, yes infant, shark that was found with two giant bite marks out of it's torso that scientists believe belonged to a great white around at least 7 metres long. That's some pretty scary shit right there!

I'm a great believer in being prepared for whatever life throws at me and if life is getting ready to throw a hungry 7 metre Great White at me, well then hell I want to be ready for it. So after some brief, and I'll be honest, lazy research fuelled mainly by imagination I created this list in a vain hope that it would one day save a life, preferably my own.

My 10 fool proof ways to survive a shark attack;

1. Keep them peepers peeled. Sharks rarely attack their prey (that's you) immediately. They like to fanny around a bit first and figure out whether or not your worth trying to eat. So if you spot one early you might have a chance of making a cheeky getaway!

2. Grow some nuts. Playing dead wont wash with a shark, they'll still try and munch you so you need to make them think you're a nutter that's going to put up a good fight. Not even a shark can be arsed with a fruit loop and they will usually go looking for an easier bite to eat.

3. Stay vertical. Sharks have big noses which get in the way and make it hard to eat things straight on, so stay like a bean pole and you have less chance of getting bitten. If you're as wide as you are tall, well tough shit. You should have read my last Thursday thought and you might of actually had a chance.

4. Dress like an Orca. Orca's are the king of the ocean and not even a Great White would try and fuck with one. You might find yourself in a bit of bother if an Orca stumbled across you during mating season though.

5. Stay calm. This is always my favourite piece of advice because it's impossible to carry out.

6. Don't use fish as a weapon. Contrary to popular belief, shark's actually quite like fish so this school boy error could actually tempt the bugger closer.

7. Always keep a fat friend around. Everybody has that token fat friend that they keep around to make themselves look hotter. Well the same rule applies with shark attacks – You think Jaws is going to give two hoots about you when there's a double cheeseburger that can't swim as fast?

8. Recruit yourself an army of dolphins. There is evidence across the world of dolphin's protecting surfers from sharks. I'm not entirely sure why they do this, but it's worth taking advantage of their ill thought out generosity.

9. Show a brother some love. If you are unfortunate enough to get bitten by a shark give your attacker a nice big hug. This will not only make him feel warm inside but it will also stop you from severing your limbs as much whilst he thrashes the shit out of you.

10. Aim for the eyes. Ok so your fat friend got eaten, your dolphin army has done a swimmer and you're still getting circled by a big bloody shark. There's only one thing for it, you're going to have to poke him in the eyes. Sharks hate this because their eyes are tiny and they're very self conscious about them. A quick jab in the peepers is enough to deflate even the cockiest of sharks egos and as a result they will swim away crying. If that fails then aim for the gills, apparently that hurts.

    Text By Katie Guthrie